3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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