My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
