Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
