Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You have to summon your inner elephant
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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