OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
