The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize