I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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