How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
