If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
