PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
