I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
