Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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