Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Im just a social blackout drinker.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize