The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
