I think im going to throw up on grandma
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
