I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
