they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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