too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
