I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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