this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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