The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
