If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize