I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
