Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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