Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
