Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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