Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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