My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
