So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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