I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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