my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize