They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
There r osticjed everywhere
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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