planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
