Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
