I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
