I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
