she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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