I heard we made out
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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