I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
