I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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