go do what you do best...puke behind churches
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
