Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
