Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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