No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
