Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
