Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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