I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
