somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You are the jesus of drinking
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
