I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
