my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
