Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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