Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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