Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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