i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
