my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
