there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
