If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
