No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He felt like a one man threesome
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
