OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
