she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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